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$3.99 (Kindle)
When done right, making a fool of yourself can feel quite good.
Erik Heen threw out his self-help books when he realized his lifelong blunders have done a much better job of preparing him for the cruel world. With his whimsical takes in Yes, Camels Really Do Spit, Heen shows how predicaments like getting caught spying on his wife, receiving a face full of camel spittle, and dropping a Baby Jesus doll down the steps of a Lutheran church have knocked some much-needed sense into him.
Reviews
“When I opened this book, I expected humor—and I was right to expect it. I found these essays charming and the kind of thing I’ll read more than once.”
— Caroline McCullagh, book reviewer for Mensa Bulletin magazine
“Using his signature folksy style, Erik Heen applies a truly clever take on anything that moves.”
— Dr. Hank Roubicek, founder and producer of the radio talk show
So, What’s Your Story? on KPFT 90.1 FM in Houston, Texas
“Camels really do spit, and once in a while someone really does write a funny, introspective, and often moving book. This is one such book.”
— Wayne D. McFarland, author of Tales of the Day
A Couple of Story Excerpts…
Charlotte’s Big Scissors
When I moved from a small, all-white prairie town in Montana to the racially diverse metropolis of Houston, Texas, I was blown away by the vast array of ethnicities in my new city. And to be honest, I was a bit intimidated. My first taste of this diverse new world came when I was driving around Houston, submitting job applications here and there, and I came across what appeared to be a barber shop—maybe like Ernie’s Barber Shop back home. Thinking a new haircut might increase my job chances, I stepped inside.
All the hair stylists were African American women. All the customers getting their hair done were African American women. All the people in the waiting area? Well, you can see the trend. This was not Ernie’s Barber Shop in Chester, Montana.
Obviously in the wrong establishment, I turned to leave, but then I heard a vibrant voice say, “Have a seat, sugar.”
I turned to see one of the hair stylists, a tall, jovial-looking woman, smiling at me, one hand on her hip and the other holding a huge pair of scissors. “Hi, I’m Charlotte,” she said, snapping the scissors…
The Spy Who Scared Me
With the exception of trips to remote summer resorts and ski chalets, famous celebrities rarely visited Montana in the 1970s. In a state where the biggest city had 50,000 occupants, Montana lacked the fine hotels, fancy stores, and glamorous nightlife that rich people crave. In my junior year of high school, however, I and my two best friends, Wally and Rolf, encountered a world-renowned celebrity in Great Falls, our hometown. Not only did we meet him, but he also played a significant role in our young lives.
As a relief from our grueling after-school work at a tire shop, Rolf, Wally, and I would splurge on a fancy steak dinner once a month at Eddie’s Steakhouse, the swankiest restaurant in town. On a hot summer evening in 1976, we sat there savoring our steaks when we looked up to see the restaurant manager escorting three well-dressed gentlemen to a remote corner table.
Rolf looked toward the group, widened his eyes, and dropped his fork. He poked his finger toward the men and said, “Holy dog. That one’s James Bond! I swear. The guy who plays James Bond. Look.”
Wally and I turned to see for ourselves. “By God,” I said, “I think you’re right, man. That’s gotta be Sean Connery.”
We called our waitress over who confirmed that gentleman was indeed Sean Connery, but that he’d left strict instructions to be left alone.
Rolf, always the reckless adventurer among us, set down his fork, stood up, and said, “I’m gonna go meet him.” …
Contents
Charlotte’s Big Scissors
Romance in a Box
Real Lutherans Don’t Eat Tofu
That Pig is Smiling
A Tale of Two Waitresses
We’re on the Air
My Friend across the Fence
The Divine Medea
Milo’s Grin
The Banjo Boy
I Was Not Her Real Dad
Old Joe
Call Me Sancho
Teed Off
A Lutheran’s Guide to Jews
Smells Okay to Me
An Amateur’s Guide to Death
Pity the Poor Banjo
Murf
Spies, Ducks, and Foot-Long Hot Dogs
Foolproof Chicken
Blueberry Fields Forever
The Three-Legged Pig
Yippity-Yap
The Giant Purple Dot
Fun with Clucky
A Royal Blush
Rube
Thank You, Mr. Lime
A Flood of Ink
Agony in Salzburg
The Spy Who Scared Me
My Foul-Mouthed Wife
Too much Smoke
Innocent Dogs
Clydesdale Manure
Blood on the Ice
The Platypus, the Armadillo, and Me
Listen to the Freaks
What’s with those Mexicans?
We Never Wove Baskets
Miles to Go Before I Sleep
Mr. Toenails